The other day, I happened across an extremely interesting opinion piece by the writer Fenton Johnson, "Love and Sex in the Time of AIDS." (I found this link on realclearreligion.org; the piece appeared in the L.A. Times but can be found on Fenton's own website, fentonjohnson.com.)
In the piece, Fenton expresses his regret that even after the terrible losses to the gay community to AIDS, many men still defend pursuing sexual gratification for its own sake, even unsafe sex; he asks his readers to consider the preciousness of affection, intimacy and love. Fenton implores: "But every mention I hear of unprotected sex calls to mind the beloved dead, who gave their lives so that we might choose not to expose ourselves to the virus. And then we go and throw away their gift." This was in reaction to a gay pornographer he quotes as saying: "In good part due to the residual damage of ongoing and pointless viral panic, young queers are taught that as they grow up their futures will be limited: they can look forward to being a strident, safe-living prude, an assimilationist heteronormative married person, or a drag queen."
This made an impression on me---not long ago, I tried to explain to a very dear friend of mine, a man I love very deeply, why I've decided to be celibate until I can be in a closed, committed relationship. But he thought that monogamy is heteronormative; he meant that like heterosexuality itself, monogamy is an obsolete and oppressive sexual expectation to hold gay people to. My decision to be celibate or monogamous is in part a reaction to the considerable danger that is still present due to HIV and other STDs. But I also honestly desire the kind of sacramental love and commitment represented by monogamous marriage. So at this point, I am afraid to say that I am a strident, safe-living prude who hopes to be an assimilationist heteronormative married person.
I should mention that I became familiar with Fenton Johnson through reading two books of his. One was the exceptional book "Geography of the Heart," a heart-aching and beautifully-written memoir of his partner, who died of AIDS. The other was an interesting and insightful account, "Keeping Faith," of his experiences in Christian and Buddhist monasteries as a skeptic in search of meaning and faith; as a child, he grew up in close proximity to Gethsemani Abbey (the Trappist monastery in Kentucky known for the monk and priest Thomas Merton), which served as a starting point for his spiritual explorations later in life.